Depression is one of the most grueling, draining, extensive periods of suffering that I’ve endured. It’s like something is gradually eating at your soul little by little, day by day. I was already experiencing depression after college when I couldn’t find a salary paying job...or any high paying job at that.
I felt like shit working at Target while having a bachelor’s degree under my belt. It was very very VERY painful those few months after college, but that’s not even when depression hit me. It wasn’t until after me & my ex-girlfriend of 5 years broke up when it punched my soul. That was a difficult time and still depression wasn’t as prominent. A month or so after breaking up, I began messing with a beautiful, thick Domincan woman...and let me tell you what an amazing 8 months that was.
I was partially depressed, but I still didn’t truly face the matter while being occupied with the mamacita. She took my mind off a lot of the bullshit I was dealing with which prevented me from feeling the full effects of depression & loneliness. After our fling ceased, that’s when I was hit hard with reality.
For the first time in 6 years, I was all alone. Nobody to vent to, comfort me, talk to, no nothing. I was single in October 2017, & didn’t officially become solo until November 2018. Once it hit mid November, I went into shock. I always felt cold, hungry with no appetite, lethargic, lifeless, worthless, useless, the list goes on. I was at my lowest point during this duration.
Luckily, I wasn’t as troubled as before when I first encountered depression. The first few months after the breakup, I was drinking and smoking frequently, being careless with money, and very negative during my professional & personal life. I was in a very dark place and didn’t have anywhere to turn. Therapy did only so much, & honestly it rarely helped since I only checked in for an hour out of an entire month.
But what made me embrace the depression was seeing the beauty of it. Depression & I are very familiar with each other; me & her have spoken before in the past. She was a distant friend & I’m glad she returned to me.
Without her, I would’ve never written Broken Graduate. I dove into the darkness & dwelled in it for months while writing my first book. I listened to tons of music & instrumentals to match my energy. I was writing every day because it was healing my spirit with each stanza. It allowed me to channel my pain & energy, & it ultimately helped me become a better writer. Most artists get their spark through a traumatic situation. No I didn’t experience anything fatal or life threatening, but my spirit was broken.
In essence, depression helped rebuild my shattered soul. It led me to my first few visuals, projects, & to my first legendary novel. I’m so grateful & blessed to hang with depression again. Always tell yourself this...you have to go through hell to get to Heaven.