Dating Depression

Depression is one of the most grueling, draining, extensive periods of suffering that I’ve endured. It’s like something is gradually eating at your soul little by little, day by day. I was already experiencing depression after college when I couldn’t find a salary paying job...or any high paying job at that.

I felt like shit working at Target while having a bachelor’s degree under my belt. It was very very VERY painful those few months after college, but that’s not even when depression hit me. It wasn’t until after me & my ex-girlfriend of 5 years broke up when it punched my soul. That was a difficult time and still depression wasn’t as prominent. A month or so after breaking up, I began messing with a beautiful, thick Domincan woman...and let me tell you what an amazing 8 months that was.

I was partially depressed, but I still didn’t truly face the matter while being occupied with the mamacita. She took my mind off a lot of the bullshit I was dealing with which prevented me from feeling the full effects of depression & loneliness. After our fling ceased, that’s when I was hit hard with reality.

For the first time in 6 years, I was all alone. Nobody to vent to, comfort me, talk to, no nothing. I was single in October 2017, & didn’t officially become solo until November 2018. Once it hit mid November, I went into shock. I always felt cold, hungry with no appetite, lethargic, lifeless, worthless, useless, the list goes on. I was at my lowest point during this duration.

Luckily, I wasn’t as troubled as before when I first encountered depression. The first few months after the breakup, I was drinking and smoking frequently, being careless with money, and very negative during my professional & personal life. I was in a very dark place and didn’t have anywhere to turn. Therapy did only so much, & honestly it rarely helped since I only checked in for an hour out of an entire month.

But what made me embrace the depression was seeing the beauty of it. Depression & I are very familiar with each other; me & her have spoken before in the past. She was a distant friend & I’m glad she returned to me.

Without her, I would’ve never written Broken Graduate. I dove into the darkness & dwelled in it for months while writing my first book. I listened to tons of music & instrumentals to match my energy. I was writing every day because it was healing my spirit with each stanza. It allowed me to channel my pain & energy, & it ultimately helped me become a better writer. Most artists get their spark through a traumatic situation. No I didn’t experience anything fatal or life threatening, but my spirit was broken.

In essence, depression helped rebuild my shattered soul. It led me to my first few visuals, projects, & to my first legendary novel. I’m so grateful & blessed to hang with depression again. Always tell yourself this...you have to go through hell to get to Heaven.